Later, as signs indicated that my fertility would be returning, I again began to experience a conflict of head and heart. I knew that the return of my fertility meant that we would again be open to receiving another beautiful child, like the one who, for the past 2 years, had captured our hearts and brought us immense joy. But I was once again feeling conflicted. This troubled me deeply. How can I truly be open to life, feeling this way? I began to pray for God to change my heart. I prayed pleadingly, Please God, conform my heart to yours. Help me to truly desire another baby. I said this prayer frequently, especially just before receiving communion, for about 4 months. Then one Sunday, after mass, I approached a friend to tell her something (I don't remember what). "Guess what?", I said. "You're pregnant?!?", guessed another friend standing next to her. Without thinking I replied, "I wish I was pregnant!" At that moment, I was "filled with joy"! I realized that at that very moment, I felt a longing for another child. God had changed my heart! A couple months later, we learned that we were pregnant with our second child, and we were elated! It was such a wonderful blessing to go through the pregnancy truly excited about meeting this new child that God had brought into our life.
I had fully expected that my heart was forever changed, but as we learned that we were pregnant with our 3rd baby, when our youngest was about 16 months, I again felt a twinge of anxiety. I became frustrated with myself once again. I thought I was past all this! I knew that I was uneasy that #2 and #3 would be closer in age than the first two. My first and second were 2 1/2 years apart, but a 2 year gap was unexplored territory. When I looked at it objectively, it seemed rather ridiculous. I knew many mothers who were raising children who were 2 years and closer in age. Why was I so worried about something so small? I was still struggling with this uneasiness, when we lost baby #3 in miscarriage (see Losing Joseph).
In addition to our grieving , we were faced with the question of when we wanted to try to conceive another baby. The medical professionals recommended waiting a couple of months before conceiving after a miscarriage. Even my naturally-minded midwife, instructed me to wait. But something about simply following this advice blindly did not feel comfortable to me. I had learned through my experience with natural childbirth that there seemed to be many "rule-of-thumb" recommendations that did not necessarily apply to everyone. I looked into the topic in several Catholic resources that reported that there was no reason to wait unless the mother had had a surgical procedure to clean out the uterus. We had allowed my body to miscarry naturally.
At this point I was extremely confused. Who do I believe? How do they know? How can I possibly know? Did God not make my body to bear children? But, what if its true that my body wouldn't be ready? Doesn't He know when to send us another child? But, I don't want to lose another baby. I don't want to have to go through this heartache again. I wanted so much to completely let go and trust in God, but I also felt obligated to make an informed decision. I was afraid to make the wrong choice; afraid that if we conceived "too early" that we'd lose another child, afraid that by not conceiving right away we'd miss out on the child God wanted to give to us. After praying about it, we were both still uncertain, but came to the conclusion that we would at least wait one cycle and then reconsider. I was not completely at peace with the decision, but was relieved to at least have decided for the time being, with the reassurance that we could change our minds at any time.
In the weeks that followed, we honored the decision, although I continued to feel unsettled. How will I know when we are ready? The decision was constantly on my mind. One day, Justin, in a moment of light heartness, said "Well, at least we know we got one to heaven." At this, a startling realization came to me, I must be willing to openly accept all children that God choses to give to us, regardless of when He chooses to bring them home to Him. Even if God's plan was to use Justin and me to create more little saints for heaven, I was called to be open to this. Complete openness to life also included a willingness to let go of life. This scared me, and I quickly pushed the thought out of my mind. It was just too painful to think about the possibility that God could ask such a thing of me.
I am not certain exactly how much time followed, but one day, a couple weeks into our month of waiting, as I was outside working on the garden I suddenly had this sense that I was ready, and was completely at peace. I was no longer afraid of what might happen, and was willing accept what ever God had planned for our family. After speaking with Justin, we agreed that there was no reason to wait, and we conceived baby #4 within my next cycle.
This pregnancy has been unlike the others, I have not experienced any anxiety! I have not worried about losing this baby, the labor and delivery, how my other children will cope with my absence during labor or with the addition of a new family member. Everything that I had worried about during the other pregnancies has not been an issue. I am at peace and trust in God's providence. As I have reflected on this, I have come to realize that this is truly a gift. God has blessed me with the gift of trust. This is what was missing during my other pregnancies. It was not that I was not open to life, but it was that I was scared about the unknown, the unfamiliar. I was not trusting in God and his plan for my life, for the new life that he had entrusted to my care. He was and is asking me to surrender complete control, including my plans, my desires, and my fears, and to trust in Him. It all seems so simple now. But in my humanness, I could not see it before. It took experiencing the loss of a child to open my eyes and I am incredibly grateful for how He has blessed me as a result. Thank you God!
Thank you God,
for the ways you turn our hardships into joy, always drawing us closer to you.
Help us to always remember, that we can do nothing without you willing it be so,
and that all good things are not of our own doing, but truly a gift from You.
Amen.
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